Lionel Blooterz, a man with a mission
Lives: Penthouse on Kingsland Road
Always in the fridge: A drilled melon
New Year’s Resolution: To shake adland to the juicy core.
Favourite Magazine: Garden and Gun
Mantra: If they’re old enough to fuckin’ bleed…
Lionel Blooterz isn’t your typical art director. For one thing, he’s got more silverware on the shelf than a premiership football club. This man has more gongs than a Chinese orchestra. He’s got more Lions than the Savannah. He’s got more pencils than Crayola. He’s got more Clios than a Renault dealership. Yes, this cunt has a lot of awards.
“My first award was a Gold Film Lion in 1989” he tells us casually. “It was for a controversial, racially charged campaign for the Vice Versa chocolates. Y’know, the ones that are white on the outside but brown on the inside? And vice versa? They were discontinued years ago. It was for RK Swamy BBDO in Chennai.”
Blooterz has certainly had the type of career that is worth reminiscing over, but he’s not content to admire his awards wheelbarrow while blissfully slipping along to a triple heart bypass and eventual death.
“Space Raiders have got a big plan to aggressively launch in the West African market” he says. “I’m the one who’s going to be instrumental in getting the lads from Lagos munching inexpensive pickled onion flavour corn and wheat snacks.”
“A lot of people think working on the EMEA Space Raiders account is a piece of cake due to their extreme deliciousness, but I’m here to tell you it’s just not the case. Extensive focus group testing has shown artificial pickled onion flavouring to be wholly noxious to the West African palate. Many people in Sierra Leone said they’d rather be in one of Charles Taylor’s hellish torture camps than gub a single Space Raider. It’s going to be a fucking mission to force them to eat them.”
Blooterz is certainly no stranger to a 10p crisp related challenge. In his career he’s sold Chipsticks to the Chinese, he launched Tangy Toms in Tonga, and in a maverick move he even successfully promoted Postman Pat Baked Bean Flavour Corn Snacks in Sudan, despite local militias angrily denouncing Postman Pat as a bastard infidel.
Blooterz is also incredibly candid about his personal life. “I’ve been with my girlfriend for three months now and damn, it’s annoying how her ex, called “Devin”, is always texting her and shit and being “weird” with her or so she says. I got mad at her for that but kept my cool. “